Hari ini terasa panjang dan melelahkan sekali. Emosi yang saya rasakan juga sangat beragam dari spektrum positif hingga negatif, tapi di ujung hari ini, ada satu yang menonjol: sedikit rasa gentar menghadapi ketidakpastian masa depan. 

To-do list hari ini tidak semua tercoret, ada satu pekerjaan yang tidak terselesaikan (padahal deadlinenya hari ini). Hari ini ada dua rapat yang tidak terduga: satu diantaranya saya yang mendadak ditugaskan untuk menyusun undangan, membuat pointer, dan menyusun laporan. Rapat tersebut sungguh aneh karena topiknya masih awam bagi para peserta dan harus ada output dalam kurun waktu kurang dari dua minggu. (Neti, I'll be generous with you. I know someday you'll revisit this post and you'll be dying to know what meeting is this. So here's the keyword: ATMP). Rapat selesai pukul 17.00 WIB. Laporan singkat selesai pukul 17.20 WIB. Pukul 18.30 saya sudah harus mengikuti rapat divisi Kesekretariatan PK-259 LPDP. 

Pukul 18.25-an Professor Renier mengirim whatsapp! Sejenak memperbaiki mood dan membuat perasaan menjadi riang. Beliau bilang: "What is news? Missing you in Antwerpen". Beliau juga mengirim foto kelas Pharma Course yang sedang berlangsung. Saya mengupdate progres persiapan sekolah dan beliau bilang tahun depan saya bisa presentasi di Pharma Course 2026 (oh no!)

Di akhir hari, lagi-lagi perasaan imposter menguasai. Saya merasa tidak ada yang benar-benar beres dengan apa yang dikerjakan. Pekerjaan kantor begitu-begitu saja, tidak ada keahlian yang benar-benar saya kuasai (?). Keluarga juga berantakan. Tidak selalu bisa pulang tenggo dan meluangkan waktu untuk anak di hari kerja. Tidak rutin in touch dengan orang tua. Persiapan sekolah masih mandek. Bahasa Inggris bagus di atas kertas doang. Saya mulai sangsi apakah saya punya sesuatu yang ditawarkan ke LSHTM? Apakah saya akan bisa mengikuti jalan yang sudah saya pilih ini? 

A couple of years ago, listening to others' stories was an excruciating experience: my mind would wander and think about other meaningful works I could be doing. Otherwise, I'll wait with a limited amount of patience, waiting for my turn to talk back. I didn't know when it started, but I began to enjoy listening to my colleagues' stories and experiences, even the trivia ones. I didn't find the urge to share mine in those conversations. Yesterday, I spent almost the whole day listening to a colleague. She shared her personal and professional life. From work, family, current and past relationships, and future aspirations. We even moved to another cafe to continue our talks until evening. 

Another thing is, I've also found myself checking in on friends and colleagues through WhatsApp. I apologise too, because I feel that I pushed them away on some occasions before. Yes, I was reluctantly replying to their texts. I only thought about myself, too absorbed by my own life crisis, too busy being a victim. I have a bad history in terms of maintaining friendships, so I try to avoid the same mistakes. I want to cherish the valuable people around me. 

Maybe this subtle shift is just a reflection of being in a good mental state: LPDP granted my program transfer, I’ve managed my workload, my skin’s clearing up, and I’m not on my period. Still, I hope this change lasts. I want to keep working on myself.

PS:

1. The picture above was taken in Exquise Patisserie, Cokro House, Menteng
2. Today is Pak Roy S. Sparringa's birthday: Happy birthday, Pak. May God always bless you and your family abundantly.  

While I'm sure everyone wants to live in peace, the form of peace can vary from one person to another. Some people may portray peace with an empty to-do list, some with living in a suburb, and others with working in a flexible environment. Today, I reflected on what peace looks like to me. And I realised that for me, peace is about waking up with trust in myself. Peace is having confidence. 

I don't dream of an empty to-do list. Instead, I want to wake up one quiet morning and have nothing to worry about, despite the endless list of things to do that day. I want to feel steady, not because life is easy, but because I know I can handle what's coming.

It may seem that "living in peace" for me is kind of everything under my control, but that's not what I mean. It's more like having peace with myself. It's about having well understanding of myself; my strengths, weaknesses, and values I hold, and choosing to be kind to myself in the process. 

Of course, people change and grow, so my ideal form of living in peace might also shift someday. And that's okay. I'll update this when it happens. 

Finally my wait is over! I'll start my master's this September!

Dinner at Cafe de Paris: It was bu Lucky's treat!

An intelligent and well-spoken figure never fails to impress me. They are like sparkling object that catches my attention instantly. So in this brief note, I want to (once again) highlight my admiration toward bu Lucky S. Slamet.

This past year I've been involved in the WHO Listed Authority (WLA) assessment, putting me in several meetings with her, online and in person. Early meetings with her put me in a super anxious state, as I knew she was the former head of the Indonesian FDA. But there was a moment when I finally had a chance to speak and the anxiety began to fade away. Over time, my admiration for her has grown bigger; her intelligence, personal traits, and way of speaking are everything I've been looking up to. 

A more personal experience came when I was in Geneva last November. She invited us, the delegates, to have dinner in a classic French restaurant, Cafe de Paris. It was mostly my director and senior who talked to her, I was more like an observer and listener. However, I really cherish that night because of the many insights I got. I'll always remember Bu Lucky's advice at the end of the conversation: "Having endurance is a must." 

Bu Lucky appreciated my milestone of being accepted as an LPDP awardee. She also asked which university I would apply. I wish someday I'd reach a point where I could confidently and proudly talk to her!

In front of Cafe de Paris; before she took us to Coop

1. I have been stuck in this conflicted feeling for a while: want to be connected to others, yet at the same time, I don't want to talk with them. Sometimes I find myself scrolling through my contacts to see with whom I can chat. But after initiating the text or conversation, I quickly lost interest. That's why I'm writing this now: to channel my need to talk. 
2. I noticed that lately, I'm becoming too judgmental of others, especially when it comes to their behaviour. I'm overly conscious of their gesture, word choice, and expression. I hate that I pay too much attention to such details. Sometimes, it makes me hesitant to connect with them because I dislike their trivial behaviour. 
3. I've been having a nasty cough these past 3 days. I don't like taking medicines so I just put up with it. Because of this cough, I can't function properly today at work. I miss being a kid. I just wanna take a rest and do nothing all day. 
4. I finished reading "Then She Was Gone" by Lisa Jewell. As I wrote on my Goodreads, this book is unsettling and heartbreaking. I think after this I need to pick something light and heartwarming to neutralise these lingering feelings. 

Lately, "anxious" is the word I use and feel the most, I guess. In my last post, I wrote that I was anxious waiting for the LSHTM's decision on my application. Finally, a glimmer of hope arrived on 8 February. Seeing a conditional offer on my portal application made my day. The thing is, I've fulfilled the condition (had my transcript sent by Universitas Indonesia) but up until now I haven't gotten my unconditional offer. I know it has just been 2 days but it feels like forever. I keep checking on my email and application portal now and then.

A letter of sponsorship from LPDP for my LSHTM study has also been sent to the admission team. However, the name of the major at the LoS is still Master of Public Health. I hope it doesn't matter. I will proceed with the changes to the programme after I get the unconditional offer. My programme name should be MSc PH for Global Practice, not MSc PH. 

Arrgh!

LSHTM please give me the offer.

written from Batik Building, 3rd floor

(again)

Update on 15 February 2025.

This game of waiting is super frustrating, so, 2 days ago I sent an email to the admissions team confirming the PDF transcript sent by my previous university.  There was a reply (finally) last night, confirming that LSHTM had received it and would review it asap.

Oh, my LoS didn't cause trouble although the sponsorship is for MSc PH. The deposit fee payment has been waived until 1 July 2025. By this time I should be able to provide the Letter of Guarantee (LoG) or pay the deposit fee. This is a relief because it means I still have five months to proceed. 

I really really wish that the good news from LSHTM will come next week.

I can't bear the thought of LSHTM slipping out of my hand after all this long journey.

Please pray for me. 

I'll keep you posted (although I know no one reads this blog, lol). 

written from Perpustakaan Jakarta, after finishing my Academic Writing Class

Update on 17 February 2025.

I know it won't come today. But still, I keep on refreshing my email. 

It might be tomorrow. 

Be patient, Neti. 

James Clear in his book Atomic Habits said that our actions reveal how bad we want something. I realised that my motivation to regularly write in this blog might not be strong enough since it has been almost 4 months since my last post. I have hundreds of brain dumps to write and countless inner chatter in my head; however, sometimes it feels very challenging to face my thoughts and feelings and it takes so much courage to write them down in this blog. I know avoiding them — instead of dissecting and solving them one by one (if needed) — will be detrimental to my mental health. So this is me, trying to do journaling again. Apart from cataloguing my life updates, I also want to get used to writing in English. 

There were not many updates from the last quarter of 2024. However, there were at least 2 highlights: I passed the LPDP scholarship on 7 November 2024 and went to Geneva for the second time on 18-24 November 2024. Getting the LPDP scholarship might sound like a big achievement, but honestly, the euphoria only felt for 2-3 days. After that I kept on questioning myself on my competencies, I was afraid getting the LPDP was merely a stroke of luck. This is the thing about being people with insecurities, no matter how many people validate my skills and competencies, I always feel that I'm not good enough. Then, my second highlight was going to Switzerland to attend the meeting of the WHO Member States Mechanism on Substandard and Falsified Medical Products. I was connected with many new people during the meeting, including Rutendo himself (ISF team lead). That business trip even validated my choice of taking a master's in public health. Lastly, I was connected to some people like Bu Lucky S Slamet, Pak Roy S. Sparringa, bu Togi, and Bu Ratna. They're people I've looked up to, all this time. 

Moving to January 2025, I had my worst birthday. I cried almost all day reflecting on all the things I've been through. Almost everyone forgot my birthday, even my mom and Gautam; making 7th January 2025 worse than ever. I don't think I'll like that date again in the future (or I'll be happy on that day). The following day, I had a psychologist appointment; so it meant another crying session! On the brighter side, I read more books in January, or actually since December 2024. I've started reading fiction again, which saved me from my reading slump. I met Sofia who introduced me to Colleen Hoover and other writers. So far I've read 5 books. I hope my reading habit keeps going strong this year. 

Today is 6 February 2025, and my latest update was I got a Letter of Acceptance from the University of Edinburgh. I'm still anxiously waiting for LSHTM's decision, though. I'm dying to get into LSHTM, so please God let me.

Hm. I think that's all. I'm not good at making closing statements. So, see you!

Cheers,
Neti

from Batik Building, 3rd floor

Hari ini emosi dan interaksi sosial yang saya rasakan intens sekali. Pada pukul 08.00-09.00 saya menjalani wawancara tahap akhir suatu beasiswa (saya harus bersiap dari satu jam sebelumnya). Selanjutnya pada pukul 10.00 saya diminta menjadi chairperson pada kegiatan simulasi sidang/konferensi internasional. Saya sedang menjalani pelatihan di Bandung, jauh dari rumah, jauh dari Arina. I cried as I typed that sentence. 

Pertanyaan "apakah saya sudah melakukan yang terbaik?" kembali menghantui pikiran. Perasaan khawatir tersebut sangat intens sampai-sampai saya sempat menangis beberapa kali. Selepas wawancara tadi saya tidak sempat melepaskan emosi karena harus segera bersiap menjadi chairperson. Bahannya pun baru saya baca dan siapkan saat itu juga, jadi betul-betul tidak ada waktu untuk memproses perasaan paska wawancara. 

Baru setelah makan siang dan sesi pelatihan dimulai kembali, saya tidak bisa menahan perasaan. Setelah izin sejenak untuk ke kamar mandi, saya menangis sedikit. Kenapa sedikit? Karena tahu gak sih perasaan ingin menangis tapi tidak ingin mata sembab? Mengganggu sekali pokoknya, mau nangis saja mikirin bentuk muka yang pasti berantakan setelahnya. 

Interaksi sosial berlanjut semakin intens karena di sore hari juga ada simulasi public speaking. After that I still have to engage in a social settings. I went out with Mba Wulan, Pak Arief, and Ragil to a nearby cafe. It was fun though, but I still realize that deep down I wanna cry so bad. 

At the afternoon, before going to that cafe, my mentor called me, asking how the interview was going. He emphasized again that I'm a super transparent person. 

Actually it felt good when he told me that I'm a really smart person. But...... He said I'm too transparent, people could read me easily. I told him how anxious I was after the interview. Up until now, I'm really afraid of the result although I tried not to focus on it. 

It's already 00.45 and I'm crying while typing this post and listening to "Waking Up Together With You" by Arditho Pramono.  I thought about what could I do better on that interview? What if I failed again? Did I give my best effort on this?

I'm sleepy I think I'm typing something that's not relevant. 

Aston Pasteur

3 Oktober 2024