I think I'm very greedy when it comes to people, and knowledges, and experiences...

And it hurts because I know I can't have them all. At least I'll try to enjoy all of this to the fullest. 

Sugar at Maison Bertaux

I know I’m not quite alright.
For the past three days, my sleep has been completely out of sync. Last night I fell asleep around 10 p.m. without even showering, then woke up at 3 a.m. and… started living.
Who takes a shower and washes their hair at 3 am, then peels a mango and an apple and eats them?

Who does the laundry and makes a ginger honey at 4 am and then decides to write a blog instead of studying for the upcoming exam? 

Who listens to Spotify a lot to avoid having a conversation with themselves? 

Oh. That would be me.

Lately, I've been scared of how time moves so fast, I feel like I'm left behind, struggling to catch up. I want to criticise myself a lot for every moment of pause. For wasting (?) so much time in the status quo, or simply for doing nothing or allowing myself too much slack (yes, tooo much slack). 

Ok maybe I should stop writing nonsense in this hour when I feel most vulnerable. 

PS: The photo is not quite representative, I know. But I'm not alright atm, remember? 

 

The trip route

The more places I visit or new faces I meet, the more I’m humbled, realising how much I didn’t know before. It feels like a reality check that leaves me feeling like an ‘empty glass’, that should always be ready to be filled again. 

This winter break, I somehow sneaked into Putri’s clique for a trip to the Scottish Highlands. We travelled north (before this, I didn’t even know the term “North Coast 500” or “NC500” existed). There were 5 of us: Angga, Johan, Putri, Nina, and I on that 7-day trip that started in Aberdeen, went via Banff and Inverness, followed the NC500 route, and ended in Edinburgh.

Somewhere along the NC500 journey

Angga planned an incredible itinerary so we could make the most of the journey: chasing the northern lights, stargazing, witnessing sunrises and sunsets, and visiting castles. But what stayed with me just as much were the moments in between the destinations: laughter and conversations in the car, shared meals after cooking at the Airbnb, the Christmas movies before bedtime, and small interactions that sharpened this introverted girl’s social skills.  

Hilarious conversation, breathtaking scenery, and good songs along the trip

This post will be a four-part series, written to preserve my good memories from the NC500 journey. I want to capture all the amazing landscapes I saw and the feelings I felt, though I know it's nearly impossible to contain all those astonishing experiences in a simple blog post series. Too many first times for me, personally: the road trip, seals on the beach, the northern lights, the songs we played on repeat, and the feeling of staying longer than I usually do. 

Plaistow,

23 December 2025

08:03 pm

PS: NC 500 is Scotland's 516-mile scenic road trip loop through the rugged, stunning North Highlands, starting and ending in Inverness

The weather is getting colder outside as winter approaches, but my heart feels warm and content. I can’t believe that yesterday marked the end of Term 1 teaching and learning at LSHTM (there are still three exams left, though). It feels as if it was just yesterday that I couldn’t sleep well, worrying about my first day of school, wondering if I would make friends in this faraway place, and questioning my own capacity to follow the lecture.

Yet, here I am now. 

Term 1 wasn't a walk in the park, yet I loved it so much. I enjoyed writing the Health Policy essay, whose language at the beginning sounds like it comes from another world. Epidemiology concepts and those statistical values really tested my patience and confidence, but oddly, it made me want to revise them over and over again. Health Economics left me feeling lost and helpless at times. However, I found myself spending my precious bedtime reading the textbook and watching YouTube videos explaining deadweight loss and monopoly markets. Only to find out those topics weren’t even asked in the exam!! But anyway, it was a rewarding academic journey indeed. 

Tomyum in the middle of grappling Health Economics concepts

Yet, here I am now.  

I visited the Covent Garden Christmas Market with those I can now call my people. I have the best tutor (Hi, Lauren!), in front of whom I could even cry without shame or feeling judged. On the last day of term, I spent hours talking and laughing and smiling with those who quietly coloured my past three months. There were also long conversations at Yuhyeon’s dorm, where we talked about trivial and essential things. And then, there were random calls, texts and small moments that never ceased to make me smile during the tiring days. 

The Covent Garden Christmas Market

I am grateful that I can enjoy all of this despite the uneasy post-graduate journey. I can be too serious sometimes, like when I decided not to join the Christmas party and do my essay instead. I questioned my decision and felt FOMO after seeing the pictures in the Whatsapp group. But I think, even if I had the chance to turn back time, I would still choose to do my essay again and again. And I don’t want to regret this because I know what I am doing (and I still have another Christmas party at school!)

As this is the end of term 1, I want to write down some reflections, and here they are: 

1. Frustrations cannot be eliminated and are unavoidable. However, it can be managed. I can always take a break and prioritise. I may not be able to do everything at once, but I can do everything one step at a time. Some days were so heavy that I went sleep very early (6 pm, once). On other days, I stayed up until 2 am, excitedly studying. Neither is better than the other; it simply depends on what I need that day.
2. Learning can be both frustrating and rewarding. Grappling with new concepts, getting to know unfamiliar territories through reading, scribbling critical thoughts, and filling my thick A4 notebook with colourful Muji pens are experiences I know I will cherish for the rest of my life.  
   
3. Feelings are fleeting. Happiness, sadness, loneliness, frustration, excitement, attachment, anger, infatuation, etc: they don’t last forever. I hope I can never forget to embrace them when they arise. 
4. Journaling matters. Writing helps crystallise memories before they fade. Sometimes it’s scary to face my own thoughts and feelings, and I delay the writing because I’m afraid I won’t do the experience justice. But when I wait too long, the feelings change, become blur or disappear. Writing imperfectly on this blog is one way I can make the moment last for a long, long time. 

Term 1 is over. I know the upcoming terms are more challenging. The block system and starting to think about the summer project will occupy my time 24/7. But right now, I feel at peace, like, I'm doing my best. Somewhere along this journey, I became less afraid of getting lost. I know eventually I'll find my path and everything will fall into place. 

Plaistow

13 December 2025

4:21pm

 

Islington, November 2025

I keep waiting for a chime from my barely ringing phone, other than notifications from the mail app. But this pocket-sized device reminds me that sometimes at the end of the day, we’re on our own. 

I often find myself scrolling through my WhatsApp, wondering who I can talk to. Unconsciously, it usually stops at your name, and I would start typing. Sometimes, it’s a simple “How have you been?”, and sometimes it’s a raw and unfiltered emotion like “Lately you’ve been living rent-free in my head, it hurts”. 

Sometimes I delete it and put my phone down. Trying to understand that this small device shouldn’t control my life; I should focus on real life. Sometimes I have the nerve to click ‘send,’ and feel like a mess afterwards. Like I’ve lost for the n-th time, because I know that raw text means nothing to you. And inside, I also understand that all of this means nothing to me. I suppose I just miss ‘home,’ and I've come to mistake you for it. 

Survived the first week as an LSHTM postgrad student, yaay!

Hi. My head is filled with voices and chatter. When I was on the tube this evening, I wanted to be home soon to sit in front of my laptop and try to untangle them one by one by writing about it in this blog. 

However, right now, I don't know where to start; my brain starts overcomplicating everything, worrying that I wouldn't be able to make good paragraphs, and deliver my messy voice inside this head to a blog post. But I know I need to write this. 

So, here it goes. 

It's been 19 days since I arrived at 19 Glasgow Road, London. The first week was heaven: school hadn't started yet, plenty of time to spend with my own self, the sun was still out, so the temperature wasn't too chilly yet. I finally stepped out of this house on Day Two (still struggling with jet lag at this point) to do some grocery shopping. Third day, I tried my tube route to the campus, and fourth day (or was it fifth?) I went to Kak Citra's house to drop off the butternut (is kemiri a butternut in English? or is it candlenut?)

Week 2 was the welcoming week at the university. I was overwhelmed by all the new names and faces, the information overload (about school), and the sheer amount of socialising. However, this was a super fun week, my programme even had a field trip to Reading. We walked along the River Thames, played games, stayed there for a night, and had good meals and conversation. I instantly loved my programme directors (hi, Hannah, Simon, Daniel!). 

MSc Public Health for Global Practice, 2025-26 Cohort

Goring-on-Thames, Reading

Week 3 was when my class started. I learned that my classes always run from Monday morning (9.30 am) and right through the evening (5.30 pm). This is a bit different from the other MSc programmes. There are so many assignments and reading materials, and also group presentations. So far, I'm enjoying Extended Epidemiology and Health Policy: Process and Power (this class is a bit intimidating, though). Health Economics is also interesting. That leaves two other modules: Statistics and Principles for Social Research. I'm still figuring out how I feel about those two. Maybe by the end of the term, I'll write about the modules again. 

Other than five modules, there are 3 other sessions in a week for my cohort only, MSc Public Health for Global Practice. In these sessions, students do the seminar, and we discuss things about global health and global practice.

To cap off this first week of classes, Putri and I hit up Eat Tokyo in Soho (after we went to Primark and Uniqlo, haha). The sushi was so so tasty and the bento was perfect!

A corner in London, at night

As we walked toward Tottenham Court Road station, Putri said, "It still feels surreal that we're living in London, ya kak."

Indeed, Put. It really does. 

New student card!

Sometimes I still can't believe that I'm living my dream, going to the LSHTM and pursuing my postgraduate study. But the beauty of this surreal moment is that it's real, and it's just the beginning of everything. Week 3 was a reminder that this dream requires hard work - a lot of assignments, sleepless nights, and tons of presentations. I'm excited and a little bit terrified, to be honest. And it's still a little chaotic in here (my head), but I guess that's what happens when you step out of your comfort zone, when you trade your mundane and quiet life for a postgrad education, abroad. 

Sat, 4 October 2025

19 Glasgow Rd

 

Hi. 

Last Monday, 15 September 2025, I arrived in London after an almost 20-hour flight. Surprisingly, I felt at ease even though I'll be away from Arina for a year. She was being a big girl with a big heart on the day of my departure. She didn't cry or throw a scene at the airport (I've been worried for nothing!)

Yesterday was the welcoming day for the international students. It was a bit intimidating because I learnt that my class will be on Mon-Fri from 9-5. This programme is very intensive and I guess I don't have much time left for anything other than study. 

I can feel the trepidation and at the same time, I can also sense the excitement. Let's see how it goes. One thing that I can be sure of, when I was on the tube and looking at London city through the window, I could feel that I belonged here. 

19 Glasgow Rd,

11.23 pm

I experienced a wide range of emotions as the Persiapan Keberangkatan (PK) LPDP ended today. I'm aware that the 9-day pre-departure training wasn't always inspiring, to say the least. Some sessions are cliche and not quite engaging. However, the PK as a whole gave me an understanding of where I stand and where I might be heading. 

Hari ini terasa panjang dan melelahkan sekali. Emosi yang saya rasakan juga sangat beragam dari spektrum positif hingga negatif, tapi di ujung hari ini, ada satu yang menonjol: sedikit rasa gentar menghadapi ketidakpastian masa depan. 

To-do list hari ini tidak semua tercoret, ada satu pekerjaan yang tidak terselesaikan (padahal deadlinenya hari ini). Hari ini ada dua rapat yang tidak terduga: satu diantaranya saya yang mendadak ditugaskan untuk menyusun undangan, membuat pointer, dan menyusun laporan. Rapat tersebut sungguh aneh karena topiknya masih awam bagi para peserta dan harus ada output dalam kurun waktu kurang dari dua minggu. (Neti, I'll be generous with you. I know someday you'll revisit this post and you'll be dying to know what meeting is this. So here's the keyword: ATMP). Rapat selesai pukul 17.00 WIB. Laporan singkat selesai pukul 17.20 WIB. Pukul 18.30 saya sudah harus mengikuti rapat divisi Kesekretariatan PK-259 LPDP. 

Pukul 18.25-an Professor Renier mengirim whatsapp! Sejenak memperbaiki mood dan membuat perasaan menjadi riang. Beliau bilang: "What is news? Missing you in Antwerpen". Beliau juga mengirim foto kelas Pharma Course yang sedang berlangsung. Saya mengupdate progres persiapan sekolah dan beliau bilang tahun depan saya bisa presentasi di Pharma Course 2026 (oh no!)

Di akhir hari, lagi-lagi perasaan imposter menguasai. Saya merasa tidak ada yang benar-benar beres dengan apa yang dikerjakan. Pekerjaan kantor begitu-begitu saja, tidak ada keahlian yang benar-benar saya kuasai (?). Keluarga juga berantakan. Tidak selalu bisa pulang tenggo dan meluangkan waktu untuk anak di hari kerja. Tidak rutin in touch dengan orang tua. Persiapan sekolah masih mandek. Bahasa Inggris bagus di atas kertas doang. Saya mulai sangsi apakah saya punya sesuatu yang ditawarkan ke LSHTM? Apakah saya akan bisa mengikuti jalan yang sudah saya pilih ini? 

Humans are communal creatures; that's why, in general, our happiness improves when we're connected to each other. That's super basic knowledge that I've already known for a long time. However, I've just experienced it this past year. I noticed being a more sociable person despite the exhaustion of social settings activities. Lately, I listen to others mindfully without any urge to talk back about myself. I've also found myself reaching out to my old friends just to check in. 

A couple of years ago, listening to others' stories was an excruciating experience: my mind would wander and think about other meaningful works I could be doing. Otherwise, I'll wait with a limited amount of patience, waiting for my turn to talk back. I didn't know when it started, but I began to enjoy listening to my colleagues' stories and experiences, even the trivia ones. I didn't find the urge to share mine in those conversations. Yesterday, I spent almost the whole day listening to a colleague. She shared her personal and professional life. From work, family, current and past relationships, and future aspirations. We even moved to another cafe to continue our talks until evening. 

Another thing is, I've also found myself checking in on friends and colleagues through WhatsApp. I apologise too, because I feel that I pushed them away on some occasions before. Yes, I was reluctantly replying to their texts. I only thought about myself, too absorbed by my own life crisis, too busy being a victim. I have a bad history in terms of maintaining friendships, so I try to avoid the same mistakes. I want to cherish the valuable people around me. 

Maybe this subtle shift is just a reflection of being in a good mental state: LPDP granted my program transfer, I’ve managed my workload, my skin’s clearing up, and I’m not on my period. Still, I hope this change lasts. I want to keep working on myself.

PS:

1. The picture above was taken in Exquise Patisserie, Cokro House, Menteng
2. Today is Pak Roy S. Sparringa's birthday: Happy birthday, Pak. May God always bless you and your family abundantly.  

While I'm sure everyone wants to live in peace, the form of peace can vary from one person to another. Some people may portray peace with an empty to-do list, some with living in a suburb, and others with working in a flexible environment. Today, I reflected on what peace looks like to me. And I realised that for me, peace is about waking up with trust in myself. Peace is having confidence. 

I don't dream of an empty to-do list. Instead, I want to wake up one quiet morning and have nothing to worry about, despite the endless list of things to do that day. I want to feel steady, not because life is easy, but because I know I can handle what's coming.

It may seem that "living in peace" for me is kind of everything under my control, but that's not what I mean. It's more like having peace with myself. It's about having well understanding of myself; my strengths, weaknesses, and values I hold, and choosing to be kind to myself in the process. 

Of course, people change and grow, so my ideal form of living in peace might also shift someday. And that's okay. I'll update this when it happens.