Hari ini emosi dan interaksi sosial yang saya rasakan intens sekali. Pada pukul 08.00-09.00 saya menjalani wawancara tahap akhir suatu beasiswa (saya harus bersiap dari satu jam sebelumnya). Selanjutnya pada pukul 10.00 saya diminta menjadi chairperson pada kegiatan simulasi sidang/konferensi internasional. Saya sedang menjalani pelatihan di Bandung, jauh dari rumah, jauh dari Arina. I cried as I typed that sentence. 

Pertanyaan "apakah saya sudah melakukan yang terbaik?" kembali menghantui pikiran. Perasaan khawatir tersebut sangat intens sampai-sampai saya sempat menangis beberapa kali. Selepas wawancara tadi saya tidak sempat melepaskan emosi karena harus segera bersiap menjadi chairperson. Bahannya pun baru saya baca dan siapkan saat itu juga, jadi betul-betul tidak ada waktu untuk memproses perasaan paska wawancara. 

Baru setelah makan siang dan sesi pelatihan dimulai kembali, saya tidak bisa menahan perasaan. Setelah izin sejenak untuk ke kamar mandi, saya menangis sedikit. Kenapa sedikit? Karena tahu gak sih perasaan ingin menangis tapi tidak ingin mata sembab? Mengganggu sekali pokoknya, mau nangis saja mikirin bentuk muka yang pasti berantakan setelahnya. 

Interaksi sosial berlanjut semakin intens karena di sore hari juga ada simulasi public speaking. After that I still have to engage in a social settings. I went out with Mba Wulan, Pak Arief, and Ragil to a nearby cafe. It was fun though, but I still realize that deep down I wanna cry so bad. 

At the afternoon, before going to that cafe, my mentor called me, asking how the interview was going. He emphasized again that I'm a super transparent person. 

Actually it felt good when he told me that I'm a really smart person. But...... He said I'm too transparent, people could read me easily. I told him how anxious I was after the interview. Up until now, I'm really afraid of the result although I tried not to focus on it. 

It's already 00.45 and I'm crying while typing this post and listening to "Waking Up Together With You" by Arditho Pramono.  I thought about what could I do better on that interview? What if I failed again? Did I give my best effort on this?

I'm sleepy I think I'm typing something that's not relevant. 

Aston Pasteur

3 Oktober 2024

Setelah kejadian 26 Juni 2024, aku jadi jauh lebih aware dengan diri sendiri dan ingin segera memperbaiki semuanya saat itu juga. Sadar kalau baju itu-itu saja, langsung pengen beli baju. Sadar kalau belum lancar nyetir, langsung impulsif daftar les nyetir (lagi). Impulsif mau daftar kelas academic writing juga. Lalu beli seabrek skincare dan make up dan paket treatment. Lalu konsultasi urusan kerontokan rambut. Sampai hal-hal ga masuk akal yang selama ini tidak pernah terlintas, jadi kepikiran terus menerus. 

Proses ini menyakitkan sekali. 

Update 12 September 2024.

Sudah mendaftar academic writing. Seharusnya tanggal 21 September mulai kelas academic writing level upper intermediate. Namun tadi mendapatkan email bahwa untuk kelas tersebut, pesertanya tidak memenuhi kuota. Semoga aku bisa geser ke kelas intermediate saja. 

Today is Wednesday, 25 July 2024. We had an event with BPOM provincial offices at Shangri-La Surabaya since yesterday. 

There were some experiences that boost my mood. 

1. Had the chance to talk with Pak Roy Sparringa. He even followed me back on Insta and he gave "like" to my post. 
2. My close friend during short-course said that I was beautiful in that black dress (kebaya). 
3. I laughed much with my friends.

I had a talk with one of my best (?) friend during short course in Belgium last night. We talked about random things for almost 3 hours.

That's it. 

Ciao!

Yogyakarta, 9 July 2024

Got a call from my team leader just now. He said that my director talked with Bu Lucky S. Slamet today during the meeting, yes bu Lucky S. Slamet I mentioned before. The former head of Indonesian FDA, a part of WHO experts. 

And she praised and complimented me in front of him :)))))

I'm super happy!

I promise I will perform better and better and better.

Today marked my return to work after taking some much-needed annual leave due to personal issues.

I had two back-to-back meetings. The last meeting focused on WLA assessment preparation, and it turned out to be a particularly memorable one for me.

What made my day truly special was receiving recognition from Bu Lucky S. Slamet, the former head of the Indonesian FDA. Bu Lucky is someone I have always admired and looked up to. Her acknowledgment of my potential was incredibly upliftings.

This may seem like a small moment, but for me, it means a lot. It’s a reminder that hard work and dedication do get noticed, and it motivates me to continue striving for excellence.

This post is based on the draft written since August 2023

Saya selesai menonton serial The Big Bang Theory minggu lalu. Sependek ingatan saya, ini adalah serial barat pertama yang saya selesaikan. Beberapa serial yang saya tonton dan alasannya belum selesai sampai saat ini:

1. Greys Anatomy tapi kemudian berhenti karena satu per satu core team di season 1 meninggalkan show (tersisa Meredith saja).
2. How I Met Your Mother tetapi kemudian takut melanjutkan setelah Robin bersama Barney (I rooted for Ted Mosby and Robin Scherbatsky so so much and felt betrayed when Robin went out with one of Ted's best friend). 
3. Breaking Bad. Serialnya sangat sangat bagus tapi bikin deg degan dan jantungan saya belum berani melanjutkan.
4. Modern Family. Ini juga seru dan banyak pesan moral yang bagus tapi saya salah karena impulsif maraton nonton, jadi kemudian bosan sendiri di season 5. Mogok belum lanjut.