These past few months have been crazy I didn't even have time to open this blog. And it's getting crazier now with term 3 module (I'm being v serious on this, I've never felt this scared before of an assignment). Also, the uncertainty of the summer project is killing me :")

Oh God please help me

 I think I'm very greedy when it comes to people, and knowledges, and experiences...

And it hurts because I know I can't have them all. At least I'll try to enjoy all of this to the fullest. 

Sugar at Maison Bertaux

Who does the laundry and makes a ginger honey at 4 am and then decides to write a blog instead of studying for the upcoming exam? 

Who listens to Spotify a lot to avoid having a conversation with themselves? 

Oh. That would be me.

Lately, I've been scared of how time moves so fast, I feel like I'm left behind, struggling to catch up. I want to criticise myself a lot for every moment of pause. For wasting (?) so much time in the status quo, or simply for doing nothing or allowing myself too much slack (yes, tooo much slack). 

Ok maybe I should stop writing nonsense in this hour when I feel most vulnerable. 

PS: The photo is not quite representative, I know. But I'm not alright atm, remember? 

The trip route

The more places I visit or new faces I meet, the more I’m humbled, realising how much I didn’t know before. It feels like a reality check that leaves me feeling like an ‘empty glass’, that should always be ready to be filled again. 

This winter break, I sneaked into Putri’s clique for a trip to the Scottish Highlands. We travelled north (before this, I didn’t even know the term “North Coast 500” or “NC500” existed). There were 5 of us: Angga, Johan, Putri, Nina, and I on that 7-day trip that started in Aberdeen, went via Banff and Inverness, followed the NC500 route, and ended in Edinburgh.

Somewhere along the NC500 journey

Angga planned an incredible itinerary so we could make the most of the journey: chasing the northern lights, stargazing, witnessing sunrises and sunsets, and visiting castles. But what stayed with me just as much were the moments in between the destinations: laughter and conversations in the car, shared meals after cooking at the Airbnb, the Christmas movies before bedtime, and small interactions that sharpened this introverted girl’s social skills.  

Hilarious conversation, breathtaking scenery, and good songs along the trip

I'm writing this to preserve my good memories from the NC500 journey. I want to capture all the amazing landscapes I saw and the feelings I felt, though I know it's nearly impossible to contain all those experiences in a simple blog post series. Too many first times for me, personally: the road trip, seals on the beach, the northern lights, the songs we played on repeat, I don't know what else.

Plaistow,

23 December 2025

08:03 pm

PS: NC 500 is Scotland's 516-mile scenic road trip loop through the rugged, stunning North Highlands, starting and ending in Inverness

The weather is getting colder outside as winter approaches, but my heart feels warm and content. I can’t believe that yesterday marked the end of Term 1 teaching and learning at LSHTM (there are still three exams left, though). It feels as if it was just yesterday that I couldn’t sleep well, worrying about my first day of school, wondering if I would make friends in this faraway place, and questioning my own capacity to follow the lecture.

Yet, here I am now. 

Term 1 wasn't a walk in the park, yet I loved it so much. I enjoyed writing the Health Policy essay, whose language at the beginning sounds like it comes from another world. Epidemiology concepts and those statistical values really tested my patience and confidence, but oddly, it made me want to revise them over and over again. Health Economics left me feeling lost and helpless at times. However, I found myself spending my precious bedtime reading the textbook and watching YouTube videos explaining deadweight loss and monopoly markets. Only to find out those topics weren’t even asked in the exam!! But anyway, it was a rewarding academic journey indeed. 

Tomyum in the middle of grappling Health Economics concepts

Yet, here I am now.  

I visited the Covent Garden Christmas Market with those I can now call my people. I have the best tutor (Hi, Lauren!), in front of whom I could even cry without shame or feeling judged. On the last day of term, I spent hours talking and laughing and smiling with those who coloured my past three months. There were also long conversations at Yuhyeon’s dorm, where we talked about trivial and essential things. And then, there were random calls, texts and small moments that never ceased to make me smile during the tiring days. 

The Covent Garden Christmas Market

I am grateful that I can enjoy all of this despite the uneasy post-graduate journey. I can be too serious sometimes, like when I decided not to join the Christmas party and do my essay instead. I questioned my decision and felt FOMO after seeing the pictures in the Whatsapp group. But I think, even if I had the chance to turn back time, I would still choose to do my essay again and again. And I don’t want to regret this because I know what I am doing (and I still have another Christmas party at school!)

As this is the end of term 1, I want to write down some reflections, and here they are: 

1. Frustrations cannot be eliminated and are unavoidable. However, it can be managed. I can always take a break and prioritise. I may not be able to do everything at once, but I can do everything one step at a time. Some days were so heavy that I went sleep very early (6 pm, once). On other days, I stayed up until 2 am, excitedly studying. Neither is better than the other; it simply depends on what I need that day.
2. Learning can be both frustrating and rewarding. Grappling with new concepts, getting to know unfamiliar territories through reading, scribbling critical thoughts, and filling my thick A4 notebook with colourful Muji pens are experiences I know I will cherish for the rest of my life.  
   
3. Feelings are fleeting. Happiness, sadness, loneliness, frustration, excitement, attachment, anger, infatuation, etc: they don’t last forever. I hope I can never forget to embrace them when they arise. 
4. Journaling matters. Writing helps crystallise memories before they fade. Sometimes it’s scary to face my own thoughts and feelings, and I delay the writing because I’m afraid I won’t do the experience justice. But when I wait too long, the feelings change, become blur or disappear. Writing imperfectly on this blog is one way I can make the moment last for a long, long time. 

Term 1 is over. I know the upcoming terms are more challenging. The block system and starting to think about the summer project will occupy my time 24/7. But right now, I feel at peace, like, I'm doing my best. I think, I became less afraid of getting lost. I know eventually I'll find my path and everything will fall into place. 

Plaistow

13 December 2025

4:21pm

Islington, November 2025

I keep waiting for a chime from my barely ringing phone, other than notifications from the mail app. But this pocket-sized device reminds me that sometimes at the end of the day, we’re on our own. 

I often find myself scrolling through my WhatsApp, wondering who I can talk to. Unconsciously, it usually stops at your name, and I would start typing. Sometimes, it’s a simple “How have you been?”, and sometimes it’s a raw and unfiltered emotion like “Lately you’ve been living rent-free in my head, it hurts”. 

Sometimes I delete it and put my phone down. Trying to understand that this small device shouldn’t control my life; I should focus on real life. Sometimes I have the nerve to click ‘send,’ and feel like a mess afterwards. Like I’ve lost for the n-th time, because I know that raw text means nothing to you. And inside, I also understand that all of this means nothing to me. I suppose I just miss ‘home,’ and I've come to mistake you for it. 

Survived the first week as an LSHTM postgrad student, yaay!

Hi. My head is filled with voices and chatter. When I was on the tube this evening, I wanted to be home soon to sit in front of my laptop and try to untangle them one by one by writing about it in this blog. 

However, right now, I don't know where to start; my brain starts overcomplicating everything, worrying that I wouldn't be able to make good paragraphs, and deliver my messy voice inside this head to a blog post. But I know I need to write this. 

So, here it goes. 

It's been 19 days since I arrived at 19 Glasgow Road, London. The first week was heaven: school hadn't started yet, plenty of time to spend with my own self, the sun was still out, so the temperature wasn't too chilly yet. I finally stepped out of this house on Day Two (still struggling with jet lag at this point) to do some grocery shopping. Third day, I tried my tube route to the campus, and fourth day (or was it fifth?) I went to Kak Citra's house to drop off the butternut (is kemiri a butternut in English? or is it candlenut?)

Week 2 was the welcoming week at the university. I was overwhelmed by all the new names and faces, the information overload (about school), and the sheer amount of socialising. However, this was a super fun week, my programme even had a field trip to Reading. We walked along the River Thames, played games, stayed there for a night, and had good meals and conversation. I instantly loved my programme directors (hi, Hannah, Simon, Daniel!). 

MSc Public Health for Global Practice, 2025-26 Cohort

Goring-on-Thames, Reading

Week 3 was when my class started. I learned that my classes always run from Monday morning (9.30 am) and right through the evening (5.30 pm). This is a bit different from the other MSc programmes. There are so many assignments and reading materials, and also group presentations. So far, I'm enjoying Extended Epidemiology and Health Policy: Process and Power (this class is a bit intimidating, though). Health Economics is also interesting. That leaves two other modules: Statistics and Principles for Social Research. I'm still figuring out how I feel about those two. Maybe by the end of the term, I'll write about the modules again. 

Other than five modules, there are 3 other sessions in a week for my cohort only, MSc Public Health for Global Practice. In these sessions, students do the seminar, and we discuss things about global health and global practice.

To cap off this first week of classes, Putri and I hit up Eat Tokyo in Soho (after we went to Primark and Uniqlo, haha). The sushi was so so tasty and the bento was perfect!

A corner in London, at night

As we walked toward Tottenham Court Road station, Putri said, "It still feels surreal that we're living in London, ya kak."

Indeed, Put. It really does. 

New student card!

Sometimes I still can't believe that I'm living my dream, going to the LSHTM and pursuing my postgraduate study. But the beauty of this surreal moment is that it's real, and it's just the beginning of everything. Week 3 was a reminder that this dream requires hard work - a lot of assignments, sleepless nights, and tons of presentations. I'm excited and a little bit terrified, to be honest. And it's still a little chaotic in here (my head), but I guess that's what happens when you step out of your comfort zone, when you trade your mundane and quiet life for a postgrad education, abroad. 

Sat, 4 October 2025

19 Glasgow Rd

Yesterday was the welcoming day for the international students. It was a bit intimidating because I learnt that my class will be on Mon-Fri from 9-5. This programme is very intensive and I guess I don't have much time left for anything other than study. 

I can feel the trepidation and at the same time, I can also sense the excitement. Let's see how it goes. One thing that I can be sure of, when I was on the tube and looking at London city through the window, I could feel that I belonged here. 

19 Glasgow Rd,

11.23 pm

I experienced a wide range of emotions as the Persiapan Keberangkatan (PK) LPDP ended today. I'm aware that the 9-day pre-departure training wasn't always inspiring, to say the least. Some sessions are cliche and not quite engaging. However, the PK as a whole gave me an understanding of where I stand and where I might be heading. 

Hari ini terasa panjang dan melelahkan sekali. Emosi yang saya rasakan juga sangat beragam dari spektrum positif hingga negatif, tapi di ujung hari ini, ada satu yang menonjol: sedikit rasa gentar menghadapi ketidakpastian masa depan. 

To-do list hari ini tidak semua tercoret, ada satu pekerjaan yang tidak terselesaikan (padahal deadlinenya hari ini). Hari ini ada dua rapat yang tidak terduga: satu diantaranya saya yang mendadak ditugaskan untuk menyusun undangan, membuat pointer, dan menyusun laporan. Rapat tersebut sungguh aneh karena topiknya masih awam bagi para peserta dan harus ada output dalam kurun waktu kurang dari dua minggu. (Neti, I'll be generous with you. I know someday you'll revisit this post and you'll be dying to know what meeting is this. So here's the keyword: ATMP). Rapat selesai pukul 17.00 WIB. Laporan singkat selesai pukul 17.20 WIB. Pukul 18.30 saya sudah harus mengikuti rapat divisi Kesekretariatan PK-259 LPDP. 

Pukul 18.25-an Professor Renier mengirim whatsapp! Sejenak memperbaiki mood dan membuat perasaan menjadi riang. Beliau bilang: "What is news? Missing you in Antwerpen". Beliau juga mengirim foto kelas Pharma Course yang sedang berlangsung. Saya mengupdate progres persiapan sekolah dan beliau bilang tahun depan saya bisa presentasi di Pharma Course 2026 (oh no!)

Di akhir hari, lagi-lagi perasaan imposter menguasai. Saya merasa tidak ada yang benar-benar beres dengan apa yang dikerjakan. Pekerjaan kantor begitu-begitu saja, tidak ada keahlian yang benar-benar saya kuasai (?). Keluarga juga berantakan. Tidak selalu bisa pulang tenggo dan meluangkan waktu untuk anak di hari kerja. Tidak rutin in touch dengan orang tua. Persiapan sekolah masih mandek. Bahasa Inggris bagus di atas kertas doang. Saya mulai sangsi apakah saya punya sesuatu yang ditawarkan ke LSHTM? Apakah saya akan bisa mengikuti jalan yang sudah saya pilih ini? 

A couple of years ago, listening to others' stories was an excruciating experience: my mind would wander and think about other meaningful works I could be doing. Otherwise, I'll wait with a limited amount of patience, waiting for my turn to talk back. I didn't know when it started, but I began to enjoy listening to my colleagues' stories and experiences, even the trivia ones. I didn't find the urge to share mine in those conversations. Yesterday, I spent almost the whole day listening to a colleague. She shared her personal and professional life. From work, family, current and past relationships, and future aspirations. We even moved to another cafe to continue our talks until evening. 

Another thing is, I've also found myself checking in on friends and colleagues through WhatsApp. I apologise too, because I feel that I pushed them away on some occasions before. Yes, I was reluctantly replying to their texts. I only thought about myself, too absorbed by my own life crisis, too busy being a victim. I have a bad history in terms of maintaining friendships, so I try to avoid the same mistakes. I want to cherish the valuable people around me. 

Maybe this subtle shift is just a reflection of being in a good mental state: LPDP granted my program transfer, I’ve managed my workload, my skin’s clearing up, and I’m not on my period. Still, I hope this change lasts. I want to keep working on myself.

PS:

1. The picture above was taken in Exquise Patisserie, Cokro House, Menteng
2. Today is Pak Roy S. Sparringa's birthday: Happy birthday, Pak. May God always bless you and your family abundantly.  

While I'm sure everyone wants to live in peace, the form of peace can vary from one person to another. Some people may portray peace with an empty to-do list, some with living in a suburb, and others with working in a flexible environment. Today, I reflected on what peace looks like to me. And I realised that for me, peace is about waking up with trust in myself. Peace is having confidence. 

I don't dream of an empty to-do list. Instead, I want to wake up one quiet morning and have nothing to worry about, despite the endless list of things to do that day. I want to feel steady, not because life is easy, but because I know I can handle what's coming.

It may seem that "living in peace" for me is kind of everything under my control, but that's not what I mean. It's more like having peace with myself. It's about having well understanding of myself; my strengths, weaknesses, and values I hold, and choosing to be kind to myself in the process. 

Of course, people change and grow, so my ideal form of living in peace might also shift someday. And that's okay. I'll update this when it happens. 

Finally my wait is over! I'll start my master's this September!

Dinner at Cafe de Paris: It was bu Lucky's treat!

An intelligent and well-spoken figure never fails to impress me. They are like sparkling object that catches my attention instantly. So in this brief note, I want to (once again) highlight my admiration toward bu Lucky S. Slamet.

This past year I've been involved in the WHO Listed Authority (WLA) assessment, putting me in several meetings with her, online and in person. Early meetings with her put me in a super anxious state, as I knew she was the former head of the Indonesian FDA. But there was a moment when I finally had a chance to speak and the anxiety began to fade away. Over time, my admiration for her has grown bigger; her intelligence, personal traits, and way of speaking are everything I've been looking up to. 

A more personal experience came when I was in Geneva last November. She invited us, the delegates, to have dinner in a classic French restaurant, Cafe de Paris. It was mostly my director and senior who talked to her, I was more like an observer and listener. However, I really cherish that night because of the many insights I got. I'll always remember Bu Lucky's advice at the end of the conversation: "Having endurance is a must." 

Bu Lucky appreciated my milestone of being accepted as an LPDP awardee. She also asked which university I would apply. I wish someday I'd reach a point where I could confidently and proudly talk to her!

In front of Cafe de Paris; before she took us to Coop

1. I have been stuck in this conflicted feeling for a while: want to be connected to others, yet at the same time, I don't want to talk with them. Sometimes I find myself scrolling through my contacts to see with whom I can chat. But after initiating the text or conversation, I quickly lost interest. That's why I'm writing this now: to channel my need to talk. 
2. I've noticed that lately, I've become too judgmental of others, especially when it comes to their behaviour. I'm overly conscious of their gestures, word choices, and expressions. I hate that I pay too much attention to such details. Sometimes, it makes me hesitant to connect with them because I dislike their trivial behaviour. 
3. I've been experiencing a nasty cough for the past three days. I don't like taking medicines so I just put up with it. Due to this cough, I am unable to function properly today at work. I miss being a kid. I just wanna take a rest and do nothing all day. 
4. I finished reading "Then She Was Gone" by Lisa Jewell. As I wrote on Goodreads, this book is unsettling and heartbreaking. After this I need to pick something light and heartwarming to neutralise these lingering feelings. 

Lately, "anxious" is the word I use and feel the most, I guess. In my last post, I wrote that I was anxious waiting for the LSHTM's decision on my application. Finally, a glimmer of hope arrived on 8 February: I got my conditional offer. The thing is, I've fulfilled the condition (had my transcript sent by Universitas Indonesia), but up until no,w I haven't gotten my unconditional offer. I know it has just been 2 days but it feels like forever. I keep checking my email and application portal now and then.

A letter of sponsorship from LPDP for my LSHTM study has also been sent to the admission team. However, the name of the major at the LoS is still Master of Public Health. I hope it doesn't matter. I will proceed with the changes to the programme after I get the unconditional offer. My programme name should be MSc PH for Global Practice, not MSc PH. 

Arrgh!

LSHTM please give me the offer.

written from Batik Building, 3rd floor

(again)

Update on 15 February 2025.

This game of waiting is super frustrating, so, 2 days ago I sent an email to the admissions team confirming the PDF transcript sent by my previous university.  There was a reply (finally) last night, confirming that LSHTM had received it and would review it asap.

Oh, my LoS didn't cause trouble although the sponsorship is for MSc PH. The deposit fee payment has been waived until 1 July 2025. By this time I should be able to provide the Letter of Guarantee (LoG) or pay the deposit fee. This is a relief because it means I still have five months to proceed. 

I really really wish that the good news from LSHTM will come next week.

I can't bear the thought of LSHTM slipping out of my hand after all this long journey.

Please pray for me. 

I'll keep you posted (although I know no one reads this blog, lol). 

written from Perpustakaan Jakarta, after finishing my Academic Writing Class

Update on 17 February 2025.

I know it won't come today. But still, I keep on refreshing my email. 

It might be tomorrow. 

Be patient, Neti. 

James Clear in his book Atomic Habits said that our actions reveal how bad we want something. I realised that my motivation to regularly write in this blog might not be strong enough since it has been almost 4 months since my last post. I have hundreds of brain dumps to write and countless inner chatter in my head; however, sometimes it feels very challenging to face my thoughts and feelings and it takes so much courage to write them down in this blog. I know avoiding them — instead of dissecting and solving them one by one (if needed) — will be detrimental to my mental health. So this is me, trying to do journaling again. Apart from cataloguing my life updates, I also want to get used to writing in English. 

There were not many updates from the last quarter of 2024. However, there were at least 2 highlights: I passed the LPDP scholarship on 7 November 2024 and went to Geneva for the second time on 18-24 November 2024. Getting the LPDP scholarship might sound like a big achievement, but honestly, the euphoria only felt for 2-3 days. After that I kept on questioning myself on my competencies, I was afraid getting the LPDP was merely a stroke of luck. This is the thing about being people with insecurities, no matter how many people validate my skills and competencies, I always feel that I'm not good enough. Then, my second highlight was going to Switzerland to attend the meeting of the WHO Member States Mechanism on Substandard and Falsified Medical Products. I was connected with many new people during the meeting, including Rutendo himself (ISF team lead). That business trip even validated my choice of taking a master's in public health. Lastly, I was connected to some people like Bu Lucky S Slamet, Pak Roy S. Sparringa, bu Togi, and Bu Ratna. They're people I've looked up to, all this time. 

Moving to January 2025, I had my worst birthday. I cried almost all day reflecting on all the things I've been through. Almost everyone forgot my birthday, even my mom and Gautam; making 7th January 2025 worse than ever. I don't think I'll like that date again in the future (or I'll be happy on that day). The following day, I had a psychologist appointment; so it meant another crying session! On the brighter side, I read more books in January, or actually since December 2024. I've started reading fiction again, which saved me from my reading slump. I met Sofia who introduced me to Colleen Hoover and other writers. So far I've read 5 books. I hope my reading habit keeps going strong this year. 

Today is 6 February 2025, and my latest update was I got a Letter of Acceptance from the University of Edinburgh. I'm still anxiously waiting for LSHTM's decision, though. I'm dying to get into LSHTM, so please God let me.

Hm. I think that's all. I'm not good at making closing statements. So, see you!

Cheers,
Neti

from Batik Building, 3rd floor

Hari ini emosi dan interaksi sosial yang saya rasakan intens sekali. Pada pukul 08.00-09.00 saya menjalani wawancara tahap akhir suatu beasiswa (saya harus bersiap dari satu jam sebelumnya). Selanjutnya pada pukul 10.00 saya diminta menjadi chairperson pada kegiatan simulasi sidang/konferensi internasional. Saya sedang menjalani pelatihan di Bandung, jauh dari rumah, jauh dari Arina. I cried as I typed that sentence. 

Pertanyaan "apakah saya sudah melakukan yang terbaik?" kembali menghantui pikiran. Perasaan khawatir tersebut sangat intens sampai-sampai saya sempat menangis beberapa kali. Selepas wawancara tadi saya tidak sempat melepaskan emosi karena harus segera bersiap menjadi chairperson. Bahannya pun baru saya baca dan siapkan saat itu juga, jadi betul-betul tidak ada waktu untuk memproses perasaan paska wawancara. 

Baru setelah makan siang dan sesi pelatihan dimulai kembali, saya tidak bisa menahan perasaan. Setelah izin sejenak untuk ke kamar mandi, saya menangis sedikit. Kenapa sedikit? Karena tahu gak sih perasaan ingin menangis tapi tidak ingin mata sembab? Mengganggu sekali pokoknya, mau nangis saja mikirin bentuk muka yang pasti berantakan setelahnya. 

Interaksi sosial berlanjut semakin intens karena di sore hari juga ada simulasi public speaking. After that I still have to engage in a social settings. I went out with Mba Wulan, Pak Arief, and Ragil to a nearby cafe. It was fun though, but I still realize that deep down I wanna cry so bad. 

At the afternoon, before going to that cafe, my mentor called me, asking how the interview was going. He emphasized again that I'm a super transparent person. 

Actually it felt good when he told me that I'm a really smart person. But...... He said I'm too transparent, people could read me easily. I told him how anxious I was after the interview. Up until now, I'm really afraid of the result although I tried not to focus on it. 

It's already 00.45 and I'm crying while typing this post and listening to "Waking Up Together With You" by Arditho Pramono.  I thought about what could I do better on that interview? What if I failed again? Did I give my best effort on this?

I'm sleepy I think I'm typing something that's not relevant. 

Aston Pasteur

3 Oktober 2024